Me, Myself, and I'm Probably Smarter Then You

       OK boys and girls, let us see if we can’t educate the writhing masses of casual fans, band-wagoners, and fair-weather “fans” that make up the NFL Live audience (and I don’t just mean Patriots fans). Don’t get me wrong, I love to be explained on a weekly basis by Jaworski what the hell a Tampa Two defense is, but I think it is time for someone to reference a “checkdown” or “jam” without needing four retired pros and a communications major wearing make-up dancing around a ten by ten in-studio field. If my blogger name isn’t too much of a giveaway, I am high brow, obsessively informed, private school educated, 1470 SAT scoring jock who could never make it in football as a player or coach. So, I feel it is my duty to lead the millions of fans who have no idea what they are talking about. While I certainly understand the value of four letter words, jo-mamma jokes, personal slander, and their use in modern media, I tend to be pretty specific with their use in regards to something as perfect as football. The liberal use of mass douche bag-esk nonsense has gone on quite long enough (see, I made douche bag an adjective, weee). While it is my firm belief that on the 8^th day, God created Art Rooney Sr., I feel that it is every true fan’s responsibility to have a full understanding of the history of this great game, as well as all of the personnel and staff on every professional team; if you can’t name three linemen on the Bills or three members of the Patriots secondary, you should hit up google, then attempt to define their gross ineptitude with spell-check ready and thesaurus in hand. In addition to memorizing the backup left guards on every team in the NFC West (that was a great Tuesday), I watch hours of tape as if I was a member of Bill Belichick’s intern staff who is planning on being a head coach in three years and breaking Josh McDaniels’ record for the youngest HC to destroy a franchise.

While I am obviously too humble for my own good, I feel that my writing consistently reflects two truths that I hold higher then Al Davis with a stopwatch at an Olympic track meet. One is that this game, despite being as commercialized as any other sport in the world (well maybe not NASCAR, seriously Southerners scare me) football is a pure and perfect thing. There is just something about a counter trap play-action pass on 3^rd and 2 from your own four yard line, where the trapping guard picks up the weak side Jet stunt so perfectly that the Will fills down into the B gap just long enough for the TE to leave the jam and get behind him, forcing the free safety ,who is already up in run support, to clamp down on the inside angle of the drag route, leaving a number two corner in press coverage, one on one, watching helplessly as the guy who could catch in high school, fly by him for a 96 yard TD reception that makes me question my own sexuality (Does that mean I have to get married in Canton or Vermont?). And if that absurdly dramatized run-on prose didn’t give you a proverbial chubby, a good screen pass against a zone blitz is pretty cool too. Secondly, I try to humanize NFL players and coaches as much as possible. Ever since Charles “Snake-Eyes” Barkley reminded America that maybe parents should raise their own offspring, the response has been predictably counterintuitive. It seems like every week an NFL star is caught on a cell phone camera hitting a beer bong while lighting a doobey at a strip club, funding the first annual Foundation for Single Mothers in G-Strings Dance-a-thon ( I have already signed up for the 5k, what have you done lately to support your community, hmm?). The only thing more ridiculous then amateur meteorologist Adam Jones “makin’ it rain”, again, is the public outcry by a nonsensically conservative fan base and media. I get it mom and dad, you don’t want to get little Jimmy a Big Ben jersey because he is a single, multimillionaire, who is the face of the franchise with the largest fan-base in the league (not to mention the largest female fan base, 53% according the last survey I made up in my head) and he has copious amount of coitus with other single women. Wake up and smell the Planned Parenthood America. If the average American man who at age 26 had a $108 million contract with the Black and Gold, he would have a tougher time dodging “willing and able” twenty-something year old tail then he would a Rex Ryan blitz package (considering Roethlisberger has been sacked 242 times in six seasons, only two thrown-out sexual assault charges is pretty pedestrian; step it up Ben). And no, I’m not condoning sexual assault or promiscuity, calm down boys and girls. Everyone loves Kurt Warner as much as he loves JC, but what does that have to do with being a good player, teammate, or even just a good person? T.O. has a clean record as far as the justice system is concerned, and he is one of the most dominant wide-outs of our generation, but would you want him in your locker-room (maybe that’s why the Bungles are dragging their feet in free-agency; pick up a quick felony T.O. and Cinci will welcome you with open arms)? In addition to bringing some common-sense to the front page clippings from the Associated Press about the latest league related paternity suit, I like to express the humanity of the men in the NFL fraternity through their interactions and interrelationships that most people either over look, or just don’t know about. Why did the Bears sign veteran tight-end Brandon Manumaleuna who is bigger and slower then all of the linemen on their roster? Why did the Steelers pick up safety Will Allen even though he has played in a completely different system throughout his six years in the league? The answers are pretty obvious if you think of Mike Martz and Mike Tomlin as people first.

In short, I want to make people smart by making them realize how dumb they are. A single play can take hours to be broken down from a hundred different angles, but at the end of the day this is a kids’ game that grown men get to play for ridiculous amounts of money. It is something that can consume your life completely (who has two thumbs and spends more time watching NFL Films than Steve Sabol? THIS GUY!), or just be the subject of water cooler chat Monday morning. Either way if you’re going to do something, it is worth doing right. So I have made it my mission in life to make sure that every man, woman, and child with a computer and an opinion to voice understands how the development of the 3/4 defense in the NFL and the Spread Offense in College impacts the draft, or why QB’s say “hut” under center, or even realize that the hurry-up offense, West Coast Offense, and Zone-Blitz defense all started in Cincinnati of all places (and why they still manage to suck).

Am I truly a Pretentious Meathead? Yes, and your welcome America.