This morning I woke up bright and early, made some coffee to try and shake out of the drunken stupor that caused me to "African American out" face down on a recliner, leaving my spine in a question mark like position (Irish Yoga, try it), as if to pose the question "Natty Ice, Really?" I fired up www.NFL.com and checked out what America was saying about the latest issues of the modern Football Fan. Apparently you are all retarded. Lets try to forget the fact I would like to make gentle, yet passionate love to Big Ben (I don't think the fan-mail with pictures of me in a man-thong are helping my cause), and look at a couple facts that seem to be escaping the average fan.
First of all, these kinds of cases happen four to five times every single month in every NFL locker room. These guys are all in peak physical condition (no not you Larry Allen), between 20 and 40 years of age, and even the most useless kicker in the league (Nick "what the" Folk has to be my favorite kicker name of all time) makes about 400k a year. Hmmm, so you mean to tell me that young, rich, buffed up guys who play the most popular sport in America (some say NASCAR is more popular but they can't read so we are safe here) might attract female attention? And maybe that female attention is a bunch of money grubbing gold-diggers who are willing to drag and man's name through the mud if it mean a couple hundred thousand bucks? You get right out'a town!
Secondly, a curious detail was pointed out by a fellow blogger. The communication supervisor for the Milledgeville Police Department told WTAE Channel 4 Action News that a woman reported being sexually assaulted by a white man, roughly 6'5", 241 pounds, with brown eyes and brown hair. For all of you wondering, that is the exact height and weight listed on the Steelers roster. I am a fat slob who is in the middle of dieting, which means I weigh myself twice a day to confirm what a useless pile of chewed-up bubble gum I am, and I couldn't tell you my own weight with that level of precision let alone some guy I just gave a lapper to (your welcome by the way sir). This is how this whole thing probably went down. Ben got hammered, brought this girl back into the VIP room, she did him, and went home with a smile on her face until one of her friends told her that she could make a ton of money if she just went to the hospital then... ye you get the idea. Ever seen the movie with Chris Rock where he runs for president, and they had hookers on staff? Not a bad idea for a couple NFL teams (Antonio Cromartie, you have millions of dollars, buy some condoms and stop procreating!)
Listen I don't know what happens in Ben's personal life (yet that is, he will love me back some day), and neither does the rest of America. I really, honestly hope nothing happened to that girl. Sexual assault and rape the most unforgivable of crimes and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But if she is lying, nothing happens to her while Ben's name and reputation will never fully recover. Ben is not a moral role-model and has never claimed to be (Tim Tebow, even Jesus thinks your an h-back, shut your stupid Christian crazy mouth). Why is it that we need our sports heroes to be perfect people? There is something lost in hero-worship that needs to be reclaimed soon or millions of people are going to be perpetually disappointed; these guys are normal young men who like to drink, have sex, smoke weed, and do all of those other things that we like to do (and yes, that was the "royal we").
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