Tebow? Hell No!

If you are asking the question "HWJT (how would Jesus throw?; the answer is, nothing like that limp wrist chucker in the photo above. What is it about this Jesus-freak that has Skip Bayless's crotchless, edible panties in a bunch? Every sports "writer" who has never played the game keeps repeating phrases like, "He's a winner," and "you can't measure heart," and my favorite so far, "he is a good person and character is everything." I can only hope that he get's drafted too high (by that I mean drafted at all), forced into the lineup due to multiple injuries and a plague of locusts (my favorite plague), and plays so terribly that he strips out of his uniform and crucifies himself on the goalpost after being kicked in the face by a steel-toed boot of reality. I know I seem more hostile then usual, but seriously, why would anyone waist a first or second day pick (thanks again for pushing the draft out three days Comish; is this like affirmative action for all of the traditionally poor drafting teams?) on an H-Back/Bible Salesman?

Wake up people, this guy is just another run first, spread system guy who had success in college because of the amazing athletes around him. Do you want to know the difference between Tebow and Chris Leak, Troy Smith, Akili Smith, Dennis Dixon, JaMarcus Russell, or Pat White? I will give you one guess; Just in case you haven't figured it out yet, it is solely because he is white, overtly Christian, and you freaking people love him. Thats right boys and girls, Tebow is so well loved by those Bible Belt inbreeds that he is has somehow become a topic for discussion in the league. Ask any respectable NFL player (who didn't go to Florida) and to a man, not one can make a convincing argument as to why Tebow might be able to play in the NFL. He is a winner, very true; at a school with the best athletes in college football, though he never passed for 3,000 yards, and even in a spread offense where the route tree consists of 5 routes with zero option variations down the field, his best completion percentage never topped 70%. That seems par by NFL standards, but Colt McCoy (another career backup at the pro level) racked up a 76.7% completion percentage in a similar offense but with a grossly overrated offensive line and far inferior skill players. Why can't you be great at something in college and realize that's as far as it will go? (My beer-pong trophy still sits high upon my mantle)

So readers of the all-mighty blog, devout followers of the one and only true Sport, and it's one true league, please bow your heads in prayer; Please, oh sweet infant baby tiny God Lord Jesus Savior lamb ghost of all that is holy, make this unfortunate bi-product of the swamp come to his senses and become a televangelist and leave football to those who have talent, skill, and/or ability. Tebow, I am sure you are a swell guy and as long as you never mention your God and how great and merciful he is again on national TV, we are cool; but you are a college football player, that should be enough. The only positive outcome from you turning pro is the off chance that millions of backwoods, inbreed, illiterate rednecks will see that their Jesus of football is so much of a talentless, week-old used douche bag, that they will renounce their faith and pick up a book besides the Bible (if you cant read, put down that Bible; you are a liar) and try non-fiction for a change. Tim Tebow, you are welcome.