Thoughts from The Pretentious Meathead

Hey Jets, Seriously?

2010-03-15T20:48:00.003-04:00

So the J-E-T-S Jets went out in search of a guy who could come in and replace Thomas Jones,landing on future HOF runner LaDanian Tomlinson. This is a great move and will really help to solidify the leagues best rushing attack long into the future...

Now that I have put down my crack pipe I would like to remind the good people of New Jersey why they should be rioting in the streets (and no i'm not talking about the Soprano's Finale; let it go, I mean it is just a---blackout). It's not that Tomlinson isn't the best back of our generation, it's that now he is a 3.3 yard per carry back with zero burst and ZERO pop at the point of attack.

Jones on the other hand peaked last season with 14,002 rushing yards on 331 carries and 14 td's. More impressively, in 331 carries, Jones did not lose one fumble. But apparently the $2.5 million owed to him next season was waaaay to much to bring him back.

Instead, the Jets are going to waist $5.7 over the next two seasons on Tomlinson who put up career lows in rushing yards, yards per attempt, receptions, and tied a career high in lost fumbles. As far as his big play ability goes, last season was the first time he did not have a rush over 40 yards in his career.

Bang up job Mike Tannenbaum (know your front office fans; they make better hate mail targets). Instead of using a draft pick on a receiving back, signing a legitimate pass catching/rushing threat like Chester Taylor, or resigning a guy who just racked up 1,400 yards for you, you went with the 30 year old who has endured more then 2,800 carries over the past 9 seasons and will be on disability by the time he his 34. The idea is to get future HOFers on you team before they go grey. But what the hell, you should sell some jerseys. Hey I heard you were in the market for a WR; if you hurry you can still grab Jerry Rice and Tim Brown before they are inducted this summer.

C J "Holy Freaking Crap" Spiller

2010-03-12T12:23:00.006-05:00

If you are not sure who the android sent to invade our planet shown to the left is, you will soon find out. While I tend to think most workout numbers are overrated, especially on pro-days (a lot of great 38 yard dash times), Clemson HB C.J. Spiller turned out one of the most obscene workouts I have ever heard about.

While his career numbers are not mind blowing, Spiller ended the regular season of his Senior year with a 20 carry, 233 yard, 4 TD, 11.7 yard per carry bonanza against Georgia Tech (if you are aroused, you should be). While I hate to put so much stalk in one game, it certainly perked my interest and I did some extra homework. Over the past few weeks, I have gone through the reports and numbers of the prospective rookies for the upcoming season (as I do every non-playing season because my life is oh so exciting) and I noticed a report from Mike Mayock of NFL Network about C.J. Spiller's pro-day.

Probably due to the fact that Clemson hasn't graduated a member of their football or basketball teams in 20 years (kickers, punters, and those awkward white guys on the end of the bench waiving towels at the starters on the court; not included) may have hurt their alumni dollars. Case in point, the Clemson football team has such a poor indoor practice facility, that Spiller was forced to workout for scouts, outside. MotherNature was apparently on the rag, and decided to dump 5 inches of rain on the un-kept sod outside of the facility. Like any man with a significant other during that time of the month, young Spiller had to choose between running for the hills, (recommended with real live wives or girlfriends) irking the droves of scouts there to see him, or risk hurting his draft status by putting up poor numbers due to the soggy turf (I won't elaborate on "soggy turf"-you're welcome).

What happened next is beyond comprehension, so please try not to drool on your keyboard. This freak show, not attempting to improve on his 4.28 40time from the combine, (ye I know, that's dumb) went through a series of RB drills such as the three cone drill, bag drill, read and cut drills, and several other combine favorites. His times on a soaked, grass field were better then 80% of the running backs who worked out at the combine. In case that hasn't hit you yet, this guy had a better change of direction, burst, and downhill speed while running in a freshly watered swamp then 24 of 29 guys did on the field turf in the climate-controlled Lucas Oil Stadium.

Mike Mayock also mentioned this little gem on "The Network" that I am still having trouble fitting into my Northeast Elitist skull; of the 52 touchdowns he accrued at Clemson, 21 of them were 50+ yard gains (WOW; nuff' said).

Now roll up your tongues, close your gapping jaw, and send in a few hundred bomb threats to your teams' respective GMs' stating that if C J Spiller is not number one on their skill position board, they will be killed until they die from it. Running back is never a safe bet because of the punishment those guys take, but if I had a dime to bet, which I don't (mmm Ramen is the best three time a day meal), I would bet that this kid will be a super-Rick-Jamesian-freak that will immediately impact whatever team he ends up on.

Tebow? Hell No!

2010-03-11T16:13:00.003-05:00

If you are asking the question "HWJT (how would Jesus throw?; the answer is, nothing like that limp wrist chucker in the photo above. What is it about this Jesus-freak that has Skip Bayless's crotchless, edible panties in a bunch? Every sports "writer" who has never played the game keeps repeating phrases like, "He's a winner," and "you can't measure heart," and my favorite so far, "he is a good person and character is everything." I can only hope that he get's drafted too high (by that I mean drafted at all), forced into the lineup due to multiple injuries and a plague of locusts (my favorite plague), and plays so terribly that he strips out of his uniform and crucifies himself on the goalpost after being kicked in the face by a steel-toed boot of reality. I know I seem more hostile then usual, but seriously, why would anyone waist a first or second day pick (thanks again for pushing the draft out three days Comish; is this like affirmative action for all of the traditionally poor drafting teams?) on an H-Back/Bible Salesman?

Wake up people, this guy is just another run first, spread system guy who had success in college because of the amazing athletes around him. Do you want to know the difference between Tebow and Chris Leak, Troy Smith, Akili Smith, Dennis Dixon, JaMarcus Russell, or Pat White? I will give you one guess; Just in case you haven't figured it out yet, it is solely because he is white, overtly Christian, and you freaking people love him. Thats right boys and girls, Tebow is so well loved by those Bible Belt inbreeds that he is has somehow become a topic for discussion in the league. Ask any respectable NFL player (who didn't go to Florida) and to a man, not one can make a convincing argument as to why Tebow might be able to play in the NFL. He is a winner, very true; at a school with the best athletes in college football, though he never passed for 3,000 yards, and even in a spread offense where the route tree consists of 5 routes with zero option variations down the field, his best completion percentage never topped 70%. That seems par by NFL standards, but Colt McCoy (another career backup at the pro level) racked up a 76.7% completion percentage in a similar offense but with a grossly overrated offensive line and far inferior skill players. Why can't you be great at something in college and realize that's as far as it will go? (My beer-pong trophy still sits high upon my mantle)

So readers of the all-mighty blog, devout followers of the one and only true Sport, and it's one true league, please bow your heads in prayer; Please, oh sweet infant baby tiny God Lord Jesus Savior lamb ghost of all that is holy, make this unfortunate bi-product of the swamp come to his senses and become a televangelist and leave football to those who have talent, skill, and/or ability. Tebow, I am sure you are a swell guy and as long as you never mention your God and how great and merciful he is again on national TV, we are cool; but you are a college football player, that should be enough. The only positive outcome from you turning pro is the off chance that millions of backwoods, inbreed, illiterate rednecks will see that their Jesus of football is so much of a talentless, week-old used douche bag, that they will renounce their faith and pick up a book besides the Bible (if you cant read, put down that Bible; you are a liar) and try non-fiction for a change. Tim Tebow, you are welcome.

The Combine; Because a Solid 40 Time Means You're Good At Football

2010-03-10T10:19:00.001-05:00

Yeh, remember this guy? This pretty little schoolgirl is one of the best players of our generation and he had one of the worst combine performances in recent memory. His 40 time was an abysmal 5.4 seconds (340lb nose tackle B.J. Raji ran it in 5 flat), as you can tell from the beach body in the photo above, he did not even attempt to bench press 225lbs, and he was a throwing QB; that means he was one of the guys tossing the balls to WR's while the scouts were watching them. While Brady has lost his edge and is steadily declining into mediocrity (that's a discussion for another day, but I am right Pats "fans", watch the tape), he has three rings, the record for most TD passes in a season, and has all but sealed his place in Canton. And as far as the combine is concerned, he was a long shot to fill a back-up spot.

The NFL Scouting Combine is an extremely important part of the non-playing season and has been since it formed in 1982. What many people don't realize is that the stuff that you can't see, is what is most important to coaches and executives. The combine is a three phase cattle auction of medical, psychological, and physical tests that ultimately have a serious impact on a players draft status. Ever been to a job interview where there were a couple other people there for the same job? It is pretty uncomfortable. Now imagine you are in your underwear, there are over three hundred other guys, all in their underwear, and you have to meet with 32 different potential future bosses who all have had private investigators pick apart every thing you have ever done in your life since you were first old enough to scratch your own butt!

Every year there is a number of big name players who don't do certain drills or test at the combine and people seem to think that for some reason this will effect their draft status, or its a red flag, or maybe their four years of college and Heisman Trophies and National Championships were imaginary. At the end of the day, the physical side of the combine is geared towards guys from smaller schools who coaches don't have a lot of film on and/or players who filled different positions or roles in a different scheme. What the teams really want out of the combine are the results of the medical evaluations and to grill their perspective bonus babies in the interviews. If the Chargers would have spent a little more time in the interview room, maybe Ryan Leaf screaming at reporters would have been someone else's acid flashback. Perhaps a more thorough medical examination would have shown that 1989 SI cover boy Tony Mandarich "The best offensive line prospect ever," was taking something a little stronger then whey and protein shakes when he took a year off from college to lift weights in Muscle Beach California.

So the next time you hear someone on draft day try and justify taking a part-time starting one year wonder with little to no natural football skill what so ever simply because they ran a sub-4.3 40 or put up 30+ reps on the bench press (Al Davis are you listening?), you have every right to punch them in the mouth. And when they recover their dislodged teeth and attempt to question as to the motive of their recent disciplinary action, just look and them and calming repeat the following phrase; "Your welcome."

Ooops, He Didn't Do it Again?

2010-03-10T09:06:00.001-05:00

This morning I woke up bright and early, made some coffee to try and shake out of the drunken stupor that caused me to "African American out" face down on a recliner, leaving my spine in a question mark like position (Irish Yoga, try it), as if to pose the question "Natty Ice, Really?" I fired up www.NFL.com and checked out what America was saying about the latest issues of the modern Football Fan. Apparently you are all retarded. Lets try to forget the fact I would like to make gentle, yet passionate love to Big Ben (I don't think the fan-mail with pictures of me in a man-thong are helping my cause), and look at a couple facts that seem to be escaping the average fan.

First of all, these kinds of cases happen four to five times every single month in every NFL locker room. These guys are all in peak physical condition (no not you Larry Allen), between 20 and 40 years of age, and even the most useless kicker in the league (Nick "what the" Folk has to be my favorite kicker name of all time) makes about 400k a year. Hmmm, so you mean to tell me that young, rich, buffed up guys who play the most popular sport in America (some say NASCAR is more popular but they can't read so we are safe here) might attract female attention? And maybe that female attention is a bunch of money grubbing gold-diggers who are willing to drag and man's name through the mud if it mean a couple hundred thousand bucks? You get right out'a town!

Secondly, a curious detail was pointed out by a fellow blogger. The communication supervisor for the Milledgeville Police Department told WTAE Channel 4 Action News that a woman reported being sexually assaulted by a white man, roughly 6'5", 241 pounds, with brown eyes and brown hair. For all of you wondering, that is the exact height and weight listed on the Steelers roster. I am a fat slob who is in the middle of dieting, which means I weigh myself twice a day to confirm what a useless pile of chewed-up bubble gum I am, and I couldn't tell you my own weight with that level of precision let alone some guy I just gave a lapper to (your welcome by the way sir). This is how this whole thing probably went down. Ben got hammered, brought this girl back into the VIP room, she did him, and went home with a smile on her face until one of her friends told her that she could make a ton of money if she just went to the hospital then... ye you get the idea. Ever seen the movie with Chris Rock where he runs for president, and they had hookers on staff? Not a bad idea for a couple NFL teams (Antonio Cromartie, you have millions of dollars, buy some condoms and stop procreating!)

Listen I don't know what happens in Ben's personal life (yet that is, he will love me back some day), and neither does the rest of America. I really, honestly hope nothing happened to that girl. Sexual assault and rape the most unforgivable of crimes and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But if she is lying, nothing happens to her while Ben's name and reputation will never fully recover. Ben is not a moral role-model and has never claimed to be (Tim Tebow, even Jesus thinks your an h-back, shut your stupid Christian crazy mouth). Why is it that we need our sports heroes to be perfect people? There is something lost in hero-worship that needs to be reclaimed soon or millions of people are going to be perpetually disappointed; these guys are normal young men who like to drink, have sex, smoke weed, and do all of those other things that we like to do (and yes, that was the "royal we").

The Biggest Winners So Far in Free Agency

2010-03-09T16:56:00.001-05:00

A few teams have exemplified terrific personnel management up to this point in the 2010 free- agency period. Some have not. Here is a quick top 5 of the best moves so far.

Top 5 Free-agency Moves of 2010

1. Gary Brackett Stays in Indi- The reason no one is talking about this move is because Brackett and his agent are smarter then you. By keeping himself under the radar, he was not only able to field several offers from other teams without having to deal with public opinion and local media, but he gave the Colts an opportunity to see the complete lack of solid inside backers in the free-agency pool this season. Brackett is a solid MLB who knows the system better then anyone on that team and has more of an impact in run defense and pass coverage then injury prone strong safety Bob Sanders. In the Colts under sized, speed crazy version of the Tampa 2, the MLB is the keystone. The Colts will more then likely draft a LB, but at age 29, Mr. Bracket can rest easy with a 5 year, $33 million contract including a $12 million signing bonus.

2. Steelers retain Hampton, Clark, Reed, and Get 3RD Phase Help- Of course the Steelers are on this list. While the Rooney's tend to sit on their hands in March, they had serious holes to fill and needed to completely rebuild their special teams staff. Casey "Big Snack" Hampton is one of the top two or three nose tackles in the game and Ryan Clark, after flirting with Miami, is the key to allowing SS Troy Polamalu to roam the field and make plays on the ball. Kicker Jeff Reed is about as useless as any other kicker, but he is better then most. What may have a bigger impact (in addition to Troy and Aaron Smith staying healthy) are the signings of WR Arnez Battle, S Will Allen, and the return of WR and return man Antwan Randell El. None of these guys will start, but with how terrible the Steelers special teams were, they will have an immediate impact and bring a veteran presence to a group primarily comprised of younger backups. Steelers will be back on top with a little better play from their O-Line and Mendenhall maturing into a 300 carry back.

3. The Bears Break the Bank- In less then 24 hours, the Bears committed more then $120 million on three players; $91.5 to freak show pass rusher Julious Peppers, $12.5 to multi-skilled running back Chester Taylor, and $17 million to TE Brandon "Feed Me" Manumaleuna. Peppers and Taylor will have a noticeable impact on their respective sides of the ball in 2010 and Manu will try and teach pass-catching TE Greg Olsen. While Olsen is a serious down-field threat (and can get a job as the poster boy for the Arian Nation Super Race if this whole NFL thing flops) he needs to make huge strides in his blocking if he is going to play in Mike Martz system, which has yet to feature a TE in his various coaching stops. The Bears are counting on Martz to coach up young WRs Johnny Knox and Earl Bennett to allow Hester to become a pure slot receiver, but the whole thing hinges on QB Jay Cutler becoming a true professional and burying himself in Martz's system. Not likely. Cutler is an immature mistake that the Bears will regret for a long time to come. Thanks to him, the Bears also do not have a 1st or 2nd pick in this years draft, forcing them to drop the kind of money they did so that Lovie Smith and his gang can all keep their jobs. The Bears will be better, but I don't see it lasting. Way to many spots to fill at the O-Line and CB positions for them to compete with the league's top tier teams.

4. Crab-cakes and Boldin- While I have them at 4, the Ravens and WR Anquan Boldin might have made the best deal this off-season. For anyone who is not sure, this guy has been one of the most dominant pass catchers since he came into the league in 2003. While he has been banged up and has a new face (thanks again Kurt Warner, Jesus hates hospital passes), this guy is the perfect fit for the Ravens. His size and run blocking abilities will allow Ray Rice and friends (who ever is left) to break out some more big gainers, and his big play abilities will pull coverage away from stud TE Todd Heap. With a top 5 O-Line and Donte Stallworth stretching the field, the Ravens will finally have an offense that will be able to compete on their own practice field. QB Joe Flacco has just been handed the keys to a jet powered tank; now all that remains to be seen is how well he can drive it.

5. The Redskins do Nothing- I don't know if Mike Shanahan and Dan Snyder sitting back and not making it rain like Pacman Jones at a stripclub is the best thing for their franchise, but it is so amazing to me that they did not completely overpay another over-rated player like Hall or Randell El. Seriously, this is uncomfortably scary.

Ryan Clark and Friends back in Pitt, Fish Floundering

2010-03-09T16:17:00.002-05:00

Ryan Clark has made his way back onto the Steelers after visiting Miami Monday. While it tends to be a pretty safe bet that any free agent visiting a team for more then 24 hours ends up signing a deal, Clark left the fish at the alter. While the Phins had a definite need at the position, Clark would more then likely have been asked to move to strong safety due to his run support abilities and lack of cover skills in the open field. Miami will (at least they should) part ways with safeties Yeremiah Bell and Gibril Wilson leaving only second year stud Chris Clemens and 5th year special teamer Tyrone Culver to man the secondary. Culver is a backup player at best while Clemens seems to have all of the tools needed the be an effective starter at the position. While this years draft has some of the best depth at the safety position in over a decade, it seems more likely to me that the Fish will make a big push for veteran (understatement of the day) free safety Darren Sharper.

So after loosing out on Clark and Antrel Rolle (testing life in the Big Apple; outlook grim after changing from a Zone 3/4 to a press cover 2 with huge needs at LB), the Dolphins have serious issues to address on a defense that has carried them to semi-legitimacy over the past few seasons. As much as I like OLB Cam Wake and his ideal 6'3", 250 frame, he is not polished enough yet to be considered a top pass rusher. And with Papa Taylor and Peezy out of town, there is no one else there to take the pressure off of him. CB Vonte Davis is another young stud who needs some time to develop, but his size and speed will compensate until that time comes.

The other side of the ball is a crazy drunken orgy of injury prone running backs, backup QBs, and not one legitimate WR. I hate to say it Miami (not really but I'm such a nice guy that I don't want to hurt your feelings...), but all you are going to have to look forward to next season are the two match-ups against the Bills and the 72 team has-beening it out with some cheep bubbly when the Colts lose in week 13 falling to 11-1.